Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
