Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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