he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Randomize
