whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
