just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
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