I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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