Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
