Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
