he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
