i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Only a mothe r could love this liver
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
