Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
