Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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