well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
