i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
