after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
You left your underwear on the fireplace
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
