he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
