I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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