He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
My liver just had a heart attack.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
