I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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