Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
