I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
