dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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