I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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