i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
