I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
