and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
whose parrot is this?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
