yo everyone went to the hospital last night
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
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And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
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