i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
