i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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