i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
