Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
In other news, I just burned my penis
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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