I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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