Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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