she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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