I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
