How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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