my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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