He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
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