If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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