i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
