I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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