I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
