woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
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Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
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110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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