Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
