I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
