I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
