I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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