I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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