would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
high people should be assigned attendants
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
