Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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