Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
