i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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