In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
