No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Randomize
