Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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