yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
